June 2019

I was in my “Men’s Shed” last week when my wife wandered in and asked if I could hammer a nail into the wall for her. Immediately my eyes lit up and I started to pant – it was time for “Handyman Davo”. Now I have a lot of alter ego’s in my life but the one I do like is Handyman Davo because I get to wear my utility belt with all the bits to hang hammers, drills, screwdrivers and pliers from as well as the deep pockets to put in nails, screws, measuring taps etc. And to make matters even better – the belt and the tools hanging off it “clang” when I walk. So, when my wife entered my Inner Sanctum in the Men’s Shed it made my day. I quickly put on my high “vis” vest, pulled on my thick football socks and put my feet into the steel capes shoes, placed my hardhat on the head (with the earmuffs attached) and then slammed in the safety glasses in my top pocket. I quickly gathered up the “safety witches hats” to place around the work site and headed in the work zone she had pointed to.

It was time for Handyman Davo to “make a difference”. Despite my wife sighing a lot and trying to point out that she only wanted a nail in the fence to hang a plant from – I knew the dangers that could occur with a wrongly hammered nail or if the work was done too fast.

So I placed the witches hats around the work site to stop anyone wandering in who had not passed the safety induction (and that included my wife who refused to read the book on safety and flatly refused to sit for any safety test). I measured the height off the ground taking into account the weight of the hanging basket (including the plant and soil) and then I got out my phone and googled average wind speed and direction for our area. I had to take into account the “swing” of the basket in a high wind. I marked this off on the fence with my special handyman crayon (pink because I am comfortable with my sexuality). Then I got out my protractor and found the exact midpoint for the nail to be placed. I marked this spot with my special pencil (the one with the flat sides that needs to be sharpened with my Swiss Army Knife – the one with all the attachments that I am still trying to find a use for).

Now I was ready – placing the nail on the wood (difficult due to my leather gloves) I picked up the hammer from the belt, twirled it in my hand (like the cowboys in the Westerns) and drove the nail into the wood. Another job done to perfection – happy wife happy life.

It did take me another 4 hours before I would take off the utility belt – but that is another story.

Until next time – Davo.