June 2022

I think the time has come for me to wear a hat when I am driving – that way I can go 60km/hr in a 100 km/hr zone, I can stop in the middle of the road when turning left and slowly edge my way into the driveway at the speed of a snail, I can drive at night without my lights on, I can indicate left and then turn right, I can go onto a roundabout in the right lane and suddenly swing left without indicating, I can charge out in front of a car travelling on the Ring Road and then continue at the above speed of 60km/hr, I can exit shopping centres without stopping and generally allow all other road users to keep me safe.

I am amazed that a simple item such as wearing a hat in the car allows me to do that – but not just any hat. It must be a broad brimmed hat.

If I was wearing a cap then that allows me to drive a 4 wheel ute along dusty roads at excessive speeds, it allows me to own a car with either mud or dust over the car and the windscreen and allows me to drive with the window open and my elbow stuck out. It also allows me not to tie down any loose items in the back of the ute and allows me to own a huge boat or trailer that I can drag behind me at excessive speeds and dominate at the boat ramp.

If I was wearing a cap backwards (besides making me look like a dork) it allows me to tailgate the person in front, it allows me to pass other people on blind corners, it allows me to honk my horn at the driver wearing the broad brimmed hat and generally disregard all road rules. This way of wearing a cap allows me to own a jet ski and make sure I park my car across the boat ramp so no one else can use the ramp and allows me to drive the jet ski at excessive speeds near people swimming or near anyone on a Stand-Up-Paddle board or paddling a canoe.

The trouble up to now is that I have been of an age where the hat comes off the head when I enter the car (because there is a roof that keeps the sun off my head) and that immediately makes my brain go into “sensible” mode where I drive within the speed limits, I try to be cautious to other road users at all times, I understand that rules are made to keep us all safe etc.

But I am getting tired of this “sensible” mode – I would like to become “king of the road” and I am not young enough to wear a cap backwards and I cannot afford a jet ski, I am too old to wear a cap and pull a big boat, so I am opting for the wide brimmed hat system.

So the next time you are driving behind a car that is trundling along a good 40km/hr below the speed limit, when you are stuck in the middle of the road waiting for someone to turn into their driveway, when you get cut off by someone who just wanders out from a shopping centre – do not get cranky because there is a good chance if that driver is wearing a broad brimmed hat then it most probably is me. And like all brimmed hat wearers – I will either panic if you honk your horn or I just will not care. Also remember – once you start honking your horn at drivers – when will you ever stop. So, stay cool, go and buy a hat and join the rest of us “on the road”.